if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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