Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Randomize