Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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