We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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