I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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