A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
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