Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
