im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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