maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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