I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
