i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
