Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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