I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
You were trust falling into bushes
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
