Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
My life is pants optional.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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