No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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