it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
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