i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
