dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
We need to get me chipped asap
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
