i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
