It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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