Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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