so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
