At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
the condom got lost in my hair
It's like God shit irony all over that family
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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