Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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