hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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