yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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