good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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