i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
