My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize