she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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