so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
