I just cut my nipple shaving
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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