i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Randomize
