I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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