Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
