I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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