Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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