I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i wish my penis had a tongue
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
