i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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