well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I think my moral compass just broke
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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