Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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