theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Randomize
