I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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