My nipple is on Facebook.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
