The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
