do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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