she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
