I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
