Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
