I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
