You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
