They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
