Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
