i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Panties = found
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