She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
