and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
