she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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