I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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