I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
