If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I think people are normalizing furries
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
