I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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