my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize