i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize