I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
