I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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