I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
