umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
God, you're like boner-b-gone
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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