I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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