MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Randomize
