dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize