apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
